Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Junk Culture tour diary - three days eight idiots

I realise this post will be of very marginal interest, but I just stumbled across a tour diary I wrote during the last few dates that my old band Junk Culture played.

Kidderminster - Sutton Arms
Friday 19th March 2004
Junk Culture
Weak 13
Second in Line

Before I start I should explain that this was supposed to be day three of a six date tour but due to idiots we lost the first three dates of the tour. We got off to a fairly usual start, the Red Flag van that we usually borrow died just before we were due to pick it up, Jonny had lost his hi-hats and
one of us had the shits. The shits coupled with my need to stop for a piss every 30 miles made for a truly great four hours in the car! Sadly Stuart's arse was on top form as well. He used to use being vegetarian as an excuse for his foul guts but now that the band is mostly veggie the smells can only be a result of some sort of organic rotting bowel dwelling demon. We call him legion for his smells are many. As we had to take a car instead of the van conditions could best be described as tight and lumpy.

As we arrived at the Sutton Arms in Kidderminster the rumbling sound of metal emanated from the place, fortunately we just a couple of free cds this was soon replaced by a night of Immortal Alice on the PA! The venue was very much a Phoenix Nights affair, with a small stage at the front and long rows of tables with bench seats either side. The guy that put us on was Kriss from Girls Love Ponies, this man was so much like an English version of Jim from Immortal Alice it was creepy, in fact I kept calling him Jim by accident!

First up were Second in Line who despite missing a member tonight were more tight and rocking than we've ever seen before. Sadly I managed to destroy this when they forced me up on stage to play a dodgy cover of Ice Ice Baby. I'm even surprised with myself that I manage to arse up a song that only has two notes! While we wait for anarcho hip-hop metal coolsters Weak 13 Stu and I retired to the saloon bar to gawp at the locals and chat up the barmaid.

Whilst we soaked up the delightful local dialect I was challenged to play a huge bugle type thing that was hanging up behind the bar. I obliged but as I prepared to blow like I'd never blown before I didn't notice that I had held the business end up to ear of the pissed up old dude I was stood next too. One good blast and he was soon reeling back with a shocked look on his face and busy fingers trying to switch off his hearing aids. I was worried about the management being pissed off with me until the landlord tried to climb over the bar to shove a paintbrush handle up the deafened punter's arse! The landlady bought a tee shirt and we're booked to return in September so I guess the management must have liked our own unique brand of crowd control!


By the time we had returned to the live room and wedged ourselves back behind the corner table that we had claimed as 'camp JC' Weak 13 were in full effect. They were what could best be described as angry with beats. Quite good fun to watch as well, the angry girl singer took off with her wireless mic and marched down the top of the centre row of tables that ran down the room, only occasionally slipping on beer mats! Kriss was walking beside her with raised arms, I guess to catch her in case she fell but it looked to the untrained eye like he was just a huge fan trying to get closer to the action! Just a week earlier Weak 13 had all their merch stolen, so if someone tries to sell you Weak 13 merch and they don't have half their hair shaved off or don't look like Anarcho punx then report it!


Now the time had finally come for our first ever live show with stand-in guitarist Kate. Kate has only been with us for three weeks and used to play in the Ipswich band Violent Playground. Back in Ipswich Kate has a reputation for on stage violence, towards other band members, instruments and pretty much anything else within five metres of her when the set finishes playing and needs some way of burning off the excess energy so I join her on stage with slight trepidation. One pack of Pro-Plus and 30 minutes later we were done.

For some reason we seemed to forget how any of our songs went, but it was kinda fun anyway. I got away without being beaten up by Kate tonight; all she did was throw her guitar across the room when we finished.

Cementing our opinion of him as being one of the best promoters ever Kriss grabbed our merch at the end of the night and went round badgering the punters to buy something, excellent!

We packed up to the ambient sounds of yoofs doing wheelies around the car park on shopping scooters and hurtled off down the road following the Second in Line lot back to Newbury.

We swapped CB radios before leaving and made good use of the airwaves by creatively swearing at each other for the couple of hours back to our home for the weekend. We only stopped once for Stuart's bowels, only to have him defile three of the cubicles at the service station. While we were waiting we found what must have been the easiest arcade game ever and all walked away with armful of Sesame street toys. Paul from Second in Line was good enough to put us up for weekend and Stuart repaid the kindness by waiting till everyone had gone to bed before parking his breakfast.



Bedtime - 4.30am
Chief Snorer - Jon
Chief Farter - Stuart

Go to day two...